I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last sat down to write a blog post. It just doesn’t seem possible and yet, here we are…
When I walked away from my computer last February, I had no idea it would take me a year to come back. My plan was to take a short break while I got some health issues figured out and them come back, stronger (healthier) and better than ever. But that didn’t happen. Instead of finding answers, I now have more questions. Instead of getting better, I got worse. Much worse.
Over the course of this past year I’ve seen 11 different doctors, been to 3 different emergency rooms, taken my first emergency ambulance ride (which is waaaay less fun than what they make it appear in dramas… Go figure!), had more tests done than I can even count and have an entire pharmacy’s worth of medications sitting on top of my refrigerator. My quality of life has dropped significantly as I attempt (rather unsuccessfully) to find ways to deal with the pain that has become a permanent fixture in my life. I often find myself explaining to others, “I’m not really living anymore, I’m just existing” and to be perfectly honest, it sucks! I’ve really struggled with this whole transition from “wonder mom” (which isn’t really me but people seem to think I am anyway) to barely function human being. Despite what some might think, it’s not easy, going from productive member of society to useless pile of whacked out nerves and endless pain. What makes this whole thing even worse is the fact that I still haven’t been able to find a doctor who can figure out what’s wrong with me. Most of them either look at me and go “Oh… well… that’s odd” or treat me like I’m an attention-seeking, hypochondriacal, wackadoo Hausfrau with too much time on her hands. Sometimes it’s both.
I tried to put off writing a post like this for as long as possible because I wanted to be able to come in at the end with a happy “But now I’m back and better than ever!” But I can’t. I wanted to have all my questions answered. But they’re not. I wanted to have my life back on track. But it isn’t. I wanted to be able to say, to all of you who may be suffering with your own chronic illnesses, “Hang in there! An answer is on the way! You’ve got this!” Which really, is the only thing I can say, not just to others but to myself as well. Some days I believe it, some days I don’t. But I have to keep trying because what’s the alternative?
Like so many others going through life with a chronic illness, I often find myself wondering why life decided to throw me this curve ball but I never come up with an answer. I don’t know why my nervous system has decided to go completely wacky, or why my spine feels like it’s a flaming lightning rod all. the. frickin’. time. I don’t know why I’ve had a migraine-like headache every second of every day for the past 2 years. I don’t know why some days my legs are like “NOPE! You’re not going to walk today!” I don’t know why I can’t talk someone into doing that Mortal Kombat finishing move on me and pull my head off, Sub-Zero-style, taking my spine out with it. (For some reason people seem to think that one might not actually help me feel any better… Weird.)
There are a lot of things I don’t know. But one thing I do know is, I’m not giving up. Not now. Not ever. I’m going to keep fighting. I’m going to keep searching for answers. I’m going to keep doing the absolute best I can; even if that means that some days all I do is drag myself from my bed to the couch and back again. Because, again, what’s the alternative? Giving up isn’t an option so I’m just going to keep trying.
I hope that some day soon, I’ll be able to hop back on here with the happy news that I’ve finally found answers, that I’m finally starting to feel like my old zombie self, that life is finally starting to get back to normal. Believe me, stepping away from writing for this long has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But as Yong Junhyung says in his first album intro, “nothing is forever” and I have to believe that someday “this too shall pass.” Until then, know that I’m still here. I’m still watching as many dramas as I can. I’m still squealing over K-Pop comebacks and life-ending teaser photos and heart-stopping music videos. I’m still trying to make it to as many concerts as I can. I’m still doing everything I can to keep as much of me “me” as I can. Because life doesn’t end just because you have a chronic illness, it just has to slow down every now and then. (A fact I’m still not willing to accept without much grumbling… *grumble grumble grumble*)